SPEAKER_00 0:05

My name's Yasmin, and welcome to Hot Girls Have Endo, the podcast where we talk about the parts of endometriosis that nobody prepared us for. The pain, the gaslighting, the inflammation, the way it can take over your body and your life. But before we go any further, let's talk about the name because it is tongue-in-cheek. Hot Girls Have Endo comes from that ridiculous and later retracted study that tried to link endometriosis with attractiveness. So we decided to reclaim it. To us, hot means resilience. It means showing up even when your body feels like it's fighting you. It means advocating for yourself after you've been dismissed and building a life that isn't defined by shame, silence, or just a bad period. Because let's face it, that's not what endo is. It's not just about cramps and another bad period. It's inflammatory. It is systemic. And it can affect everything from your body, your mood, your energy, your relationships, your fertility, and your confidence. And this podcast is where we talk about it honestly. The messy parts, the hopeful parts, and the real parts. Before we continue, I want to share something personal. After years of trial and error taking different types of birth controls and prescription drugs and alternative therapies, I knew I needed a different natural way to support my body. In full transparency, Dea is my company. I developed Deya's endo wellness period support formulation alongside my dad, who's a former USDA scientist, as well as input from a board-certified OBGYN. Dea is a 14-in-one daily supplement designed to support those navigating endo or painful periods. The formula itself includes targeted vitamins and minerals that may help to support a healthy inflammatory response, hormonal balance, protection against oxidative stress, energy levels, healthy blood sugar metabolism, and stress response and mood support. For me, this has been a huge part in how I've been able to support my body and manage my symptoms day to day. And it's meant to be taken consistently because real support takes time. If you'd like to learn more, you can visit dawell.com. That's d-a-e-a-w-l.com. And you can use Hot Girls10 for 10% off your first order. Not valid on subscriptions. As always, please talk to your healthcare provider before taking any new supplements. Now let's get back to the episode. Trigger warning. This episode discusses pregnancy and loss. Please listen with care or skip if needed. I am so excited about the guests that we have on today. We actually met back in December and it was at an endometriosis event. And it was at that event that she shared her story, and it was very profound, very moving. And when we decided that we were going to do this podcast, I immediately knew that I wanted to have her on because she's had such a journey. And I feel like anyone who's listening to this will be able to relate to even one part of her journey. She's just been through so much. So, Polly, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I'm excited to talk with you today and you know share my story. So thank you again for having me.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Well, thank you for coming on. Um, for anyone who would be meeting you for the first time today, how would you introduce yourself really briefly?

SPEAKER_02 3:21

All right, let's see. My name is Holly. I'm a 33-year-old woman, uh living in Orlando with my husband. Uh, we've been married five years, and really I never how how do I want to say this? I never really like want to introduce myself as like a woman suffering with endometriosis, but we have been trying for a baby for the past four years now. And during my infertility journey, I now know it's because of my lovely endo. So I'm really like now trying to reach out to women who are go going through similar situations as me, and I love learning about how this horrific disease affects everybody so differently. So I guess that's just kind of a brief introduction of myself.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Well, thank you. And just going back to like the New York event, aside from your story, which was amazing and incredible, everything that you've been through, there was something else that stuck out, and it's that your husband was also with you. He was one of very few partners who showed up to the event. And it was amazing seeing both of you kind of be there for each other. And I just wanted to know how has it been navigating Endo with such a supportive partner?

SPEAKER_02 4:36

How I see my relationship with Lance, my husband, and my relationship with Endo, it like intertwines so like significantly because so we had met at a bar um back in 2016, tender days, but I think Bumble just came out, but you know, we met the old-fashioned way, and I think that is still so fun, not you know, bashing anyone who meets on Tinder or anything like that, because you know, I have so many friends who have met that way. And I had just, you know, I had just gotten ghosted for the first time. So I was kind of like anti-men in general, and he just was so charismatic and confident, and he immediately stuck out to me, you know, immediately hit it off. But I was, like I said, anti-men at the time, and I ignored him for three weeks after we had met. You know, he kept like wanting to pursue me and take me on. And finally, three weeks later, I had my first endo spell. It was Easter 2016. That night I had started my period, and it was the worst period of my life. I was kind of anti-medicine at the time and really aware of what I was putting in my body that I was just like, oh, I don't need to take just sleep it off, whatever. So I, you know, try and I was still living at home at the time. My mom basically, because I was like on my bedroom floor crying. My mom was like, All right, we need to take you to the hospital. So she took me to the hospital and I had a cyst rupture on my ovary. And of course, they like did a transvaginal ultrasound. And I'm like, this is like the best thing ever. You know, I'm like in excruciating pain for my throat. You know, wand up there. That's fine. That night I was feeling sorry for myself, and I texted Lance, and we uh planned a date for that week once I was feeling better and been inseparable ever since. So, ever really at the beginning of our relationship, I knew something was wrong. Like I knew I had cysts on my ovaries. They originally diagnosed me with PCOS. I don't have any of the other symptoms of PCOS, so I was like, this doesn't seem you know right. And then I started digging into research for endo, and I was like, this sounds more like something that I have. So that was 2016. Thankfully, I I've had a great team of doctors where they've listened to me. So from 2016 to and I had my first surgery in 2019, did a lot of research, spoke to a lot of different doctors, and finally I had my first surgeon in 2019 uh finally put me under and we did a diagnostic and she found stage two. So those first three years, Lance, he came from a household where they didn't really discuss women's health, like his mom and his daughter were very kind of closed off about that. So he's learned a lot with my journey, but he's been so supportive. Like, I mean, he's literally had to pick me up off the kitchen floor because I fainted, like trying to take advil, like just like the home option and of trying to take the pills, like I fell on the floor, so he like had to pick me up. And he's been a thousand times supportive of just everything and bought tickets to the endo event that we met at. He's like, Yeah, I'm going, you know, why not? And he was, I think, one of three there.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

No, it was great. I loved it.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

He's a he's a very supportive man, which I highly suggest any women with endometriosis, find a man who will support you through this because it is not for the weak, and if they can't handle it, hit the rope.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

It's kind of great that it happened from the very beginning when you started dating.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Very, very blessed. Yeah. So he's been in it like he knows what it looks like.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Our relationship is my endo relationship. Like, this is what you're signing up for, buddy. Hope you enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

Well, it almost brings you closer in a way, too, because it's such a like a vulnerable thing to go through. So to have someone there who can just, like you said, be there to pick you up off the floor is amazing. And I know, yeah, having a supportive partner is very key in this. So you had your first endoflare, you said, in 2016. Prior to then, were your periods just kind of normal or were there any red flags that you see now looking back?

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Yeah, like a thousand percent. Like I the I was always irregular. So it was I never knew when it was coming. It'd be like maybe every two, three months, whatever. And I knew that was not normal because all my other friends had like got it like every month. After that first flare, doctors always want to push birth control on you. And I never did well with birth control. I've always been very sensitive to hormones, they really affect my mental health. So I knew that wasn't right for me. So I've kind of always been off of birth control. I've and I've dabbled with all forms the pill, the ring, uh, even the shot. Oh god, that was the shot was the worst for me. Yeah, in high school I knew something wasn't right. And after talking to my mom about it, like on my dad's side, his sister and his mom always had terrible periods. I'm like, well, you know, maybe they had it too. And we just they didn't know because medicine back in those days.

SPEAKER_00 9:56

I know. I was telling someone that, like my mom and my dad. So my dad was always very open, like he always wanted us to talk about our like health issues, women's health, because he works on the science side of things. So to him, it's just anatomy, it's science, it's normal. And then my mom, she was raised in a very conservative Mexican household where when she got her period, she didn't know what a period was because no one ever warned her about it. So she just thought she was slowly dying. So I think it's like so it's oh my god, yeah, I know. I'm glad that we're making strides in this generation to make it more normal. It's okay. Like we all we bleed and we should talk about when it's painful because it should not be painful. It seems like your periods were irregular, and so you had that endoflare, and then you said it took you around three years to get that first surgery.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

And you know, honestly, it kind of those three years, it's I was in c college still at the time, and it it's kind of a blur there, like how I really managed. It isn't like today. When I was first diagnosed, there wasn't the support groups and teams um behind it all definitely weren't there. I think there were some Facebook groups that I leaned heavily on. It took a lot of work from my end to like kind of like figure out what to do. I finally think I just like had enough is enough. I went to just my a regular uh gyno and she then referred me to a surgeon. It was actually an oncologist surgeon. She was like, We're just going to send you here just to make sure those cysts they're they're gonna biopsies and everything. Um and that scared me. I was like, wow, something really could be wrong here. Thank God they were just filled with fluid and tissue or whatever. Those three years were kind of a blur, but then after that, like I got a lot of clarity out of it. Figured like what was really wrong, and then got more active into more Facebook groups and on social media, and then now, fast forward to 23, 24, I started posting my infertility journey on TikTok and found a whole group of women who are going through the same thing that I'm going through.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

So And what's that been like?

SPEAKER_02 12:13

It's actually been so amazing. Like, I have had friends struggle with infertility and go through IVF. Some women like, oh, like what's that like sharing your journey on online like that? I like I could never do that. And I'm like, I love it. Like, I am an open book. You ask me anything, like I I'm not shy when it comes to this kind of stuff. Like, I think it's very refreshing. It's kind of therapeutic to share. I'm a big believer in crying on the internet because I'm doing it, someone else is feeling better about themselves and how rough their day may be going through. Like knowing that somebody else is feeling the same way that you could be feeling, I just find very, like I said, therapeutic because this whole journey is to me how I see it is like a sisterhood. You gotta be there for other women. It's hard. Men don't get it. We get it.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

It can feel so isolating too. Cause I can relate a lot to what you were saying about back in the day. The resources were so limited. Like, even though social media was like just starting to become more of a thing back then, it was nowhere near what it's like today. And people were still not talking about their periods actively, that was painful, but there was no community around it. And so it was just basically whoever you knew in your life that also suffered. And I think for myself too, for so long, I didn't really have any community to go to and talk about. Like I knew it wasn't normal, but it wasn't until recently where I started to discover more of this huge online community that exists. The content that you're posting is helping so many other people feel seen and heard and not so alone because it is such such a lonely journey.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

It really is. I mean, I I'm kind of in this transitional era too, because my group of friends, they're all mothers now, and and I'm kind of the odd man out because how they are hanging out is by going to mommy me classes, and I'm over here kind of all alone, and then when I do go to the like just to you know hang out with them by being more vocal on TikTok, I'm finding women who get it and like I can message when I'm having a down moment and stuff, or we're doing our other things and staying busy, but so isolating infertility and endometriosis because when you're having a flare-up, you don't want to go out with your friends, they don't get it.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

It's hard, it can be really hard. So, up until this point, like present day, how many surgeries have you had before your endometriosis? And can you walk us through them?

SPEAKER_02 14:50

I'll get into my story. So I've had two scheduled surgeries and then one emergency surgery. 2019 surgery, you know, that was scheduled, had stage two at the time, very contained, and I was 27 at the time, 26, 27. So it was very mild. Fast forward to December 2021. I started noticing blood in my stool and lower back pain. I was like, all right, and I had issues with fiber and you know, going to the bathroom as a little kid, straining too much. And I was like, oh, maybe this is that, just maybe I need to increase my fiber or whatever. Then it didn't go away, so I was like, all right, let me. I made an appointment with my OBGYN because I was like, maybe I felt the lower back pain like it was lower, so I thought maybe she knows what's going on. And then she referred me to a uh GI doctor. They did a colonoscopy endoscopy on me, couldn't really figure out what why they didn't see anything, kept doing that, and it went away for a little bit, and then literally to the day the following year, I had another colonoscopy endoscopy, still couldn't figure out what was going on with me.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

So a whole year had gone by at this point.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

A whole year, yeah, had gone by. But shortly before my second colonoscopy, I no was noticing a really bad like upper abdominal pain. And I was at my best friend's wedding, Lance and I were both in the wedding party, and I feel terrible. But I literally I was in so much pain, I just got like blackout drunk the entire. That was like the only thing that was kind of helping my drinking, kind of numbing the pain. I don't really remember that weekend, but like literally, like the mornings I would wake up in pain, and I'm just like down in uh West Palm Beach, and I'm in we're in live in Orlando. So I was like, Well, when we get back home, it was Martin Luther King weekend. So I was like, we had Monday off. I was like, when we get home, I'll go to urgent care. Went to urgent care. They were like, Well, by where you're feeling your pain, it could be your appendix or it could be your gold bladder gallbladder. So we want you to go to the emergency room. So I go to the emergency room, and they're like, you know, they see a healthy at this time. I was 29. They see someone who looks healthy, they're like, We'll do some blood work and an x-ray. Now I know, like, you're not gonna see anything with that. What do you think? Like, okay. Everything, of course, came back normal. They're like, go on a low anti acid diet, no more pizza sauce, no more hot.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

So I did that for a couple months or maybe like a month, and I was like, this is not helping. Was back in the emergency room. I think this was the second time. This was later February. We were out with my boss and his wife, and I literally couldn't eat anything. I literally thought I was gonna throw up all over the table. My boss is, you know, kind of a smart ass. He's like, You want to go, just go, blah, blah. I was like, No, I literally feel like I'm gonna throw up. And sure enough, I was throwing up all night that night. I had a couple episodes like that, and I was just like, something is not right. Like, why can't I keep anything down? I had lost like 10 pounds through this, like from January to February.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

So finally, we we went back to the emergency room that night thinking they were like, all right, let's do an ultrasound of your gallbladder. You know, nothing, no stones, nothing. Like, they're like, everything's normal again. Finally, I think this was a week after that. We go back and they finally did a CT scan on me, and they saw I had a bowel obstruction. And they were thinking at the time it could have been uh scar tissue from my first surgery in 2019. So they were like, we could like really the only way of knowing is by going in. So they're like, or we could stick an NG tube up your nose and suck everything out and like relieve that. And if you've ever had an NG tube, they stick a tube up your nose, down your throat. It is by far the most uncomfortable thing I like I've ever had to do.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Like it was So you did you did the tube.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

I did the tube, but you know, that only relieved me for another month, and by March, I was back in the hospital. Maybe this was March, it's like all kind of a blur because I was just like, I was at the time I was so numb. I had no idea what was going on and didn't know what was going on with my body. I was really in the hospital on and off 24 days between March to May. The NG tube was in March, and then I had about a month of feeling okay. Told me to uh stick with some soft foods, smoothies. You know, that's always fun. Sticking liquid diet, yeah. Liquid diet. How fun is that? But thankfully, I got I did get to within this month, I did get to see uh Taylor Swift on her uh Aeros tour. So that was the highlight of this whole nightmare of a situation. But then shortly after in April, I was back and they decided to cut me open because you can only eat so much soft food, and so they cut me open and it was endometriosis lodged onto my small intestine. I had it on my appendix as well, so they removed my appendix and then cut a foot of my small intestine out and then reconstructed it. So I was in the hospital for about a week and then they released me too soon. They put me on back on a liquid diet and back on food too soon. And where my appendix was fluid basically, fluid was seeping out of my intestine and into the saccharomy was. So I had fluid buildup, and I was in the worst pain, worse pain than you know what I had just gone through. And I was just like thinking, because at the time it was just a general surgeon too doing all of this. So he was like, and he knew we were trying wanted a baby, so he's like, I'm gonna go in. If I don't feel comfortable of removing, because I already knew I had cysts on my ovaries. That was already, you know, ultrasounds already confirmed that. He was like, if I go in and I feel comfortable removing the cysts on your ovaries, I will, but if I don't, then I'm not going to touch them. And so he had told me that he kind of like nicked one a little bit and then realized he wasn't going to do that. So I was about to start my period after getting out of the hospital when I realized this now when knowing that the fluid was building up. I I thought it was like, oh, he, you know, touched one of my cysts. Like, this has got, you know, this is just the sensitive.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

Like I'm about to start my period, whatever. No, no, girl, you are about to go septic because you have fluid built up. Like, literally, the doctor told me if I had waited one more day from coming back to the hospital, that I would have gone septic.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

So we have chills.

SPEAKER_02 21:59

Then we literally. Went into the hospital for another 13 days clearing this infection, and then when they did finally release me, I had to go to get you know, because I had a pick line, I had to go to an infectious disease doctor to clear this infection out of my body. So literally, endometriosis could have killed me looking back at it, and like I was in such a fog during the time. I had no like I was just so numb. Like I was sitting in the hospital room, just like not even crying. One time, finally, like this uh the one of the infectious disease doctors came in and she was a woman, and she was telling me the plan of like getting released. So like after probably on day 22 of 24, she was giving me the rundown, and then finally all these like water works come out, and I'm just like, I'm so sorry, I don't, I just don't even understand like what's going on. Finally realized, like, okay, this is afterwards. I finally was like, all right, this is what I have to do to help my body and treat it, and it's been a journey, and then you know, I had one more scheduled surgery after this whole mess because I knew he didn't remove the cyst on my ovaries. We we did a couple rounds of IUI, we did fertility, you know, doctor's appointments and stuff, and for some unsuccessful uh rounds of IUI, I was like, I just need to remove my endos. I'm very intuitive and I listened to my body and I knew that was what was gonna help me. So I did one more. My most recent surgery was January of last year with Dr. Mikhail over at USF Health Tampa. He's on Nancy's Nook.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Nancy's Nook.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

Yes. So if you are struggling with endometriosis and don't know about Nancy's Nook, definitely it's a Facebook group. It's very informative, gives you a list of doctors of in every state and globally too. But I found him and he has 20 plus years of endometriosis research. He's extremely intimidating, but he knows what he he's doing. After the scans with him, uh, we found out I had it on both ovaries, my cervix, bladder, sigmoid colon. And because I had it back on my colon, we I had to get a GI surgeon in there with when he went in there, um, just in case. And there was, you know, the fear that I could have to get closty back. And I was terrified of that. I don't think anybody wants that to happen. But thankfully, he was able to get everything with clean margins. I didn't have to get a bag, I didn't have to lose any ovaries. So he is really amazing. But unfortunately, after surgery, the success of get, you know, getting pregnant naturally didn't happen, but it's it is what it is. We're trying again with some fertility options, and that's a surgery story, like of the roller coaster of it all. I'm sure a lot of other women have similar similar stories because the endometriosis journey is not an easy one.

SPEAKER_00 25:03

There's a lot of wild rides, so specialists or anything. So they told you you had stage two, but then it sounds like it's stage four, or yeah, I don't know what stage because once it starts affecting the organs and all that kind of stuff, it's so deep infiltrating. And I think that's why it's so important to see an endometriosis specialist, which up until very recently, like even myself, I only knew that they existed maybe a couple years ago, is the first time that I knew that they existed.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

Yeah, I mean, I I can't remember when I started uh becoming a member of Nancy's Nook. Was relatively early on in my research, but I was still kind of naive. I was still trying to heal it, like through, you know, different supplements and uh yoga and stuff like that, that I really didn't reach out to one until recently. It was kind of you know naive of me not to find someone sooner, but I'm you know, I'm glad I did now.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Not naive though, because it's like it's such a minefield, you don't really know what you're looking for. Because I think I've also been a part of Nancy's Nook for many, many, many years, but it still never clicked. It I always thought it was just like doctors who are good at like, you know, spotting endometriosis, but I didn't know they were actually specialists in that endo field. And similar to you, I was just like, one day, one day. Like I already had one surgery, one day. But then also similar to you, I've now started seeing an endo specialist, and he's doing all the right tests and right imaging and everything, and now I'm seeing where the ball was dropped in so many places during. I also had an emergency surgery, so just seeing in I don't know if you feel similar to this, but I felt really like I had a really good appointment with him, but I felt very much let down by the previous doctor, and it just brought up a lot of emotions because I'm like, okay, like the other doctor said I had endo and it was bad, but then there was a lot of deep infiltrating endo from my surgery pictures, the first one, that he just left there and he didn't excise. I mean, it was ablation, anyways. But my now surgeon was going through all the areas and being like, he left it there, there, there, there, and there's the top of your rectum, which could have led you to have so many complications. You're lucky you didn't, and just going through the whole botched laparoscopy that I had. And although it was like a really good meeting to like know what's going on in my body ahead of my next surgery, I left in tears that day.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

Just so similar with Dr. McHale when he told me everywhere that it was. I was in Tampa, so it's about an hour and 15 minutes from Orlando by myself. Lance couldn't go to this appointment with me. Him telling me I had it everywhere I did. I literally think I had a panic attack. I was crying so hard I couldn't even like catch my breath. I'm in the parking garage. You know, people are passing me on the steps, you know, up to my level. And I like literally am hysterical. I I think I just sat in my car for 30 minutes trying to calm myself down before I even got on the road. But it's just, it's so disheartening to learn that you your body's attacking itself. I feel like this should just be a topic in medical school because you know, there are 10% of the woman population struggling with this. A lot. I mean, I meet women on a regular basis that are like, oh yeah, I have endometriosis too. It's like now it's just such a common topic. I'm like, everybody has these, you know, one or two surgeons that have no idea what they're looking for and no idea really what they're doing by talking about it and be more active in our community, like we're trying to do, feel like hopefully one day, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, we'll finally get, you know, doctors all well equipped equipped with endometriosis.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Fingers crossed. I mean, if we look back at where we were 10 years ago, we've already made more leaps and just being louder about this awful, awful disease. So hopefully in another 10 years, we'll be in a much better place with this. But how has like the healing been after your surgeries, both mentally and physically, and especially you know, taking into account that you guys want to get started on your fertility journey? And how were you prepping for surgery? And what what was all of that like?

SPEAKER_02 29:33

It's kind of weird. I am um definitely an oddball when it comes to this, but I kind of like surgery. I love a good nap. And if you're gonna put me on with an assumer, yes, please, please. Prepping for surgery is one thing, but then like after the fact of teaching your body just slow moving and all of that, you become very like protective of your body, and so you know, after surgery, I think it it took me like a good month since after my most recent one to like really start feeling myself again after any hospital visit. I was extremely depressed trying to get back into the real world, especially after my hospital stay. Thankfully, I had I was on the GI floor of the hospital when I was there in 23, and for whatever reason, they like gave you these like sweet hospital rooms. So I had I wasn't like really isolated too much while I was there, but I remember looking out of my window and it looked out on this busy street in Orlando, and I remember like just being like by myself, like, oh, look at all these people just like going to work on this very normal day and living their lives while you know I'm up here. I know it could be much, much worse, but it's so isolating, so depressing. So I really after my January surgery, I was so gung-ho about trying. I really thought by cutting everything out, it was going to finally give me a baby. I was doing every trick in the book. I did mucinex, I did the diva cup trick, I did geritol, I did, I did it all, and nothing worked. And finally, by July, August, I got so depressed. The darkest I think I've been in in this whole journey. And I've I've also fortunately found an amazing woman's health therapist, so she helps with you know miscarriages, postpartum, infertility, and I was just finally like, I think I finally need to take something for this depression. I can't live my life like this anymore. So I did a bunch of research and I decided to get on Lexapro, and that has tremendously helped me. I've been on it for about four months now, and it's turned my life around. Like I finally feel like myself again. And I did a bunch of research too because I wanted to be on something that it was safe to be on while pregnant. An SSRI was what I wanted to get on. I just went to my uh regular OBGYN um and was talking to her about it. And I kind of already knew I was like, all right, I'm gonna be on Lexapro. She did say she was kind of pushing Zoloft a little more just because Zoloft has been around longer, and so there's more research with Zoloft and pregnancy. There is almost just as much as research as uh Zoloft has at Lexapro has. And I was like, well, let's try Lexapro for right now. If it doesn't work, then we'll try Zoloft. Best decision I've ever made through this whole journey is getting on something because I just I couldn't live with the depression anymore, the anxiety anymore. Kind of made the whole infertility journey so much easier where I'm not putting so much pressure on myself, which I know stress can have a lot to do with it, you know, not working. Also, I do have PMDD as well. I think that is comes with endometriosis. I read, I don't know, the lovely symptoms that we get as well. With endo, that it has completely cleared up too, but while taking Lexapro, like I don't even know when I'm about to start mentally. I don't know when I'm about to start my period. Of course, you know, the cramp starts to physical signs, yeah. That physical stuff, but before I'd be like a freaking hot mess, like crying all the time. You know, my mood swings. Thank God for Lexapro, because that's literally saved my my my life, really mentally.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

So I'm so glad you found something that works for you. And I'm so glad you're talking about it too, because I know so many people feel so weird about going on medication for depression, but it has saved so so many lives. And you know, if you're struggling, definitely talk to your you know medical professional that you have, and there's nothing wrong with it.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

Life is too short to cry all the time. You want to be strong and you think you're being weak by asking for help, and it's just oh, it's so not worth it.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

Like the strongest thing you can do is ask for help.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

Exactly. I was at dinner two weeks ago with my non-Indo friends, but they both work in healthcare, and one of them actually, when I was she works at the hospital that I was at, she got me a therapy dog into my room. Like, she is she actually came to my room at right after surgery and was dropping off flat. She was the first person I saw. So she literally I tell her this all the time like she'll forever be engraved in my brain. She we were talking, and she just got on Zoloft and the other girls on Lexapro, so we're all bonding mental health. And if you are struggling mentally because of this ugly disease, it's not worth it. Like, we have so much more to worry about. Take a pill every day and like just at least mentally feel a little bit better because it's not worth, you know, be mentally and physically feeling like crap every day.

SPEAKER_00 34:58

It's hard. And even just like, so after your surgery, how have your physical symptoms been for your endo?

SPEAKER_02 35:05

So I've noticed after three times, I am good for 10 months afterwards, and then 10 months periods start getting bad. So they started getting bad, I think November or December of last year, and have continuously gotten bad. So I'm, you know, I I've already told Lance, like, oh, I think it's time to make an appointment with Dr. McHale again. But I'm also I've recently looked into some floor therapy, but I'm also right now I'm kind of sick of doctors. You know, when you're struggling, you go through so many doctors, and you're like, you think like you're gonna have to like go through that, like when you're you know 60, 70 years old and I'm like, you know, 33 having six, seven different doctors. It's exhausting, it's time consuming, it's expensive. You know, thankfully last year, you know, I had my early January surgery, so I met my deductible. So I like going, you know, doctor crazy last year. Now I'm just exhausted. I did acupuncture and I may have not have been like super consistent with acupuncture, so I didn't really see um much of a difference with it. I'm gonna try uh pelvic floor therapy because so I have my older sister, she's mentally and physically disabled. Parents, they're her full-time caregiver. So they have become really good friends with her physical therapist, and he actually just suggested it to them uh not too long ago. I was like, you know what, maybe like that is something I should look into, and found a group that's covered by my insurance. So I'm I think that's on the next horizon of feeling better. But hopefully, I really don't want to do another surgery. I'd like to try to avoid that. Hopefully, the next one will be uh hysterectomy after I pop these kids out. Right now it's kind of you know on the downhill, but hopefully gonna move things along where it's not as painful.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

But it's such a journey trying to figure out what works and what doesn't, and I can totally sympathize with you about just feeling so touched out with all the doctor's appointments and getting to the point feeling like your body is just like this thing that's being constantly poked and brought and touched all the time. I know it's such like a hard thing to go through, especially you just had surgery like a year ago, and you're already, you know, thinking maybe I'll need another one. So I'm sorry, it's a lot.

SPEAKER_02 37:35

You know, I really I I mean I expected it. The ultimate goal was to hopefully get pregnant right away, and that can, you know, suppress things. I know, but some women also still have their pain. I I've never been pregnant, so I don't know what to expect. I'm hopeful. I often joke where I'm like, God already kind of like gave me like this not so great of a period, you know, life or whatever you want to call it. I don't know where I'm going with this, but you know, hopefully he gave me rough periods. Hopefully, he'll give me an easy pregnancy. Yes, blowing easy pregnancy. Yeah, we'll see. We've because I touched a little bit on our IVF journey. I'm also not too keen about having I've done more research where they most likely will want to suppress me with lupron. I'm not too thrilled about doing that just because I heard it puts a major toll on your body. So we are actually going to put in some applications for adoption. I'm like, even if I can't have a baby of my own, you know, at least I'll be a mom. So we're very open to any way a baby comes to us. So that that could be uh an our next journey as well. So who knows?

SPEAKER_00 38:45

Very exciting journey. If there's one thing I could go back and do before trying to get pregnant would definitely be pelvic floor therapy 100% just to like make everything stronger, because I think with endo and surgeries beforehand, I can definitely weaken things. And I used to think I had a very strong pelvic floor, but it turns out my pelvic floor was just working overtime and tense all the time. It wasn't actually strong, and so that messed up a lot of things for me during pregnancy. And so I'm my new endo specialist has actually told me I have to do really after my surgery, do really intense pelvic floor PT afterwards to see if that can like help me again. So I think I would recommend it to any anyone.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

I I mean I don't think I have a strong pelvic floor, like I can't even do a Kugel, so I'm like Yeah, we definitely need to you go to the gym, girl, like you can go and like another muscle out. So yeah, I'm very open to that. I think that could be extremely beneficial. You have another surgery coming up.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Yeah, I have a surgery coming up in just under two weeks.

SPEAKER_02 39:58

Oh my gosh. Are you starting to get prepared for it?

SPEAKER_00 40:02

Yeah, I'm getting prepared. I've come off all the supplements and medications I've been taking. I need to get over this cold so I don't get my surgery date moved. My healthcare provider that I have, they're actually striking right now. So anyone who had surgeries planned last week or this week had to get them moved. And he's like, right now you're still scheduled, but next week you will know for sure if you know you gotta move your surgery date, which I really don't want to do. No, but I've been waiting so long for this one.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

So my January surgery was supposed to be in November, and it was gonna be the week of Thanksgiving, which was perfect. Like my husband, Lance, he does uh asphalt paving, so all the asphalt plants are closed, so he his phone would have been silent, he could be really present with me. So I was like, okay, great. And then one of my doctors, because I had a GI doctor, he decided he was going out of town for Thanksgiving. So they had to push it back to January, uh surgery that I had wait already waited three months for. So that was extremely frustrating. Funny, I didn't hadn't even met the doctor at uh the time of rescheduling. So I finally met him. He probably hated me, but I like go in, you know, I've already like kind of like pissed off at him. But then he walks in. This guy looks like Ben Affleck. So I'm like, oh no. And he's like, yeah, like he's the poop doctor too. So I'm kind of messing with him. And I was like, I told him, I was like, you kind of look like Ben Affleck. And his nurse is like, oh no, don't get misstraped. He's not gonna be able to fit his head through this hallway. What are you doing? And he's like, Well, I've been told that he's like, I'm actually it was actually pretty funny. He was really cool, and then of course him and Lance bonded over sports and you know, whatever. But yeah, I have my fair share of getting the surgery dates pushed, and it's so like when you're mentally preparing for that, and then it's just like, Oh, sorry, we have to push you until you know next month or whatever. It's just like I've already been planning for this, like I've already moved stuff around trying to get childcare and you know, everything sorted. That's uh extremely frustrating. But I know a lot of people are on strike right now, so it's I support their cause too. Just exactly we're thankful to the healthcare workers. We're so extremely thankful for my so let's see how it goes.

SPEAKER_00 42:32

Do you want to talk about your infertility journey? Is that something you want to touch upon today?

SPEAKER_02 42:37

Yeah, we can talk about my infertility journey. So we've been trying for four years, it doesn't feel that long. It's been on and off, like you know, in 2023. We of course weren't trying during those months. Some months a little harder than others. Thank God I got on AlexaPro for you know many reasons because that's really helped with the sadness of it. I was, you know, last year I think was like the hardest year of struggling with it, just trying, and and then a lot of my friends got pregnant. It like in that friend group I had mentioned earlier, everybody kind of gets pregnant at the same time. I felt like so. I had, I think in 22, I had three close friends get pregnant around the same time, and then another, you know, three or four, and then last year after surgery and then trying it so hard. I had another, my closest ones, three of them got pregnant all together. So they're all, you know, sharing, you know, story, future plans together, and it's just it's so isolating. And I I've really kind of struggled with trying to find myself in that whole journey, but but sharing it on TikTok has been so so so therapeutic. And I think I kind of pissed some of my friends off because I like I really started like also pushing some of them out of my life because. I'm like, I've been there for you through, you know, your marriage, your well, your engagement, your marriage, now your pregnancy. I've given you all these like baby shower gifts and like you know, all this. And I'm like, they don't even reach out to me to ask me, you know, how I'm doing and mentally, physically, whatever. And it's just like, well, I haven't heard from you in months, so you know, you're kind of out of my life right now. And putting myself first, I one thing I brought up my therapist, one thing I mentioned to her, I think in my first session with her, I was like, I'm tired of being put on the back burner in life, just like with everything. Like sometimes, like, I love you, Lance, but sometimes it happens with in my marriage. Like because I work for him, he's kind of like always, in a sense, coming first. But you know, he's been so extremely supportive of me and my endo journey. You know, it's not really like that all the time, but but also with my friendships too. I'm like, I'm always on the back burner and like nobody's ever like putting me first. So I'm really starting to put myself first, especially in this isolating journey in my life. And it's that's been therapeutic too. I'm like, wow, like you know, you growing up and in high school, you think like you need all these friends and popularity and blah blah blah. And it's like, I think I now have like two really good friends that I talk to every single day, and I'm the happiest. Yeah, I'm so happy. Like, I don't need this like fake bullshit from you know other women. So if you're going through infertility cost by endo or just unexplained infertility, find find your find your people because you don't need the the the fake people in your life to make you happy. And I'm I'm finding that out, and th those two people will know if if and when it does happen, and then after that, you can figure out yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:02

And I know it's hard because you're obviously you're happy for your friends, and like you said, you were showing up and you were you know celebrating them. Meanwhile, you're also going through your own struggles. Like what I know one of my really good friends uh struggled with infertility for I think six years, and just now she is four months pregnant, and I know she was very much a recluse during that time, and there were so many times where I messaged her and did not expect a response, and many times did not get a response back from her, but I knew she was also going through it. And so, what are ways that to anyone listening who has someone that they know that's struggling with infertility, what are ways that they can show up for them?

SPEAKER_02 46:44

Stop talking about yourself. Let us like just like feel loved. I have a couple of friends who want to try to be relatable, and it's like you don't even have to ask me about my infertility, just ask me how I'm doing and like bring me a coffee or just show up. My friends are kind of self-absorbed in a sense, some of them, not all of them. And like it would get really frustrating when it's like, How how are you doing with this? Oh, well, I I also like had to do this, but ultimately you ended up getting pregnant. Like, right now I'm so deep in it, like I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like, I don't want to know what what helped for you or this, that, or the other. Like sometimes like it could be a lot. And you know, last year I really felt that way. I was very angry last year towards my friends, and and that wasn't healthy, but you know, I also didn't know how to really deal with my emotions, and I was really deep, deep, deep in the depression. But you know, just showing up and like just being a good friend, and like we have been there and supported you at your baby showers and your, you know, your pregnancy announcements, like just showing up with a coffee or like, hey, let's, you know, let's get lunch and don't talk about kids. Like my very best friend, she has two kids, like the most beautiful daughters I've ever seen ever. We don't ever talk about kids, we don't talk about babies. She asks me, like, uh every day we text and she's like, How you doing today? And like, I'll, you know, vent to her when I'm feeling it. And her sister did IVF last year, and she was blessed with twins. And so she has an understanding of the whole IVF journey, and you know, so like now I'm like, Well, I think I want to adopt instead of doing IVF, and you know, I I'll I switch it up a lot and I don't know what I don't really know what I want to do, but we'll figure it out, I guess. But we have a relationship where it's not about kids because I know motherhood you can kind of get like drawn into it, and like that's all you talk about, and she's not like that. We go out, see movies together, we go out to dinner, we get you know, get our nail like we talk about getting her nails. I'm I'm on this natural nail journey, and she's been doing her nails for the past year. So I'm like, okay, I need all the you know, all the polishes and the equipment that you know you use and stuff. Like, so it's very much like a normal relationship, it's not like a mom relationship, and that's what makes her friendship so special is it doesn't revolve around kids and fertility, she can just show up for you as a person. It feels like we're back in like kind of like high school, like gabbing all the time and you know, gossiping and whatnot. But trust me, I get it. When it does happen for me, I'm gonna be like those like mega phones and like blasting it, you know. But know your audience, you know.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

Exactly. Be aware of what's happening.

SPEAKER_02 49:39

Do not know their audience, and you know, it's just like all right, do you not know who you're talking to? Like, hello.

SPEAKER_00 49:45

Well, I'm glad you're putting yourself first, and I'm glad that you do have those friends that are showing up for you too.

SPEAKER_02 49:50

Women with endometriosis, find the right man if they can't help you, if they can't pick you up off the kitchen floor, he's not it, a red flag, and find your true girlfriends who will be there. Like Savannah, she had this gorgeous friend with her, and she I think she was the only one in the room that didn't have endometriosis, but I I was joking with her. I was like, Oh, how does it feel to be God's favorite? We all wish we were you, like, don't she's so funny, but yeah, so it's amazing to have a friend like her, like be there. That was amazing to see. So as long as you got a good man and good friends in your life, you're good to go.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

Yeah, it helps a lot.

SPEAKER_02 50:31

I mean, really, my core people have been so amazing, and even the woman that I work with, I love work dynamic friendships, like how I don't know if you've ever seen those memes where it's like, you know, the Gen Z, like 21-year-old best friends with Susan and HR.

SPEAKER_00 50:50

I love those 43 years old.

SPEAKER_02 50:52

I used to sit next to Amanda in our office, and she has lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and shingrids. Shing, I I can't pronounce it, so forgive me. But so she has three autoimmune diseases, and which I believe endometriosis should be an autoimmune disease, but I'm not a doctor or scientist, so anyways, but we we relate so much, and she is so funny, she's in her 40s. Sorry, Manda. It's like she's the I'm the white cat, she's the black cat. Like we're so like polar opposite. She loves Star Wars and cats, and I'm like so like pink and girly, and I love dogs, and you know, like we've bonded tremendously over, you know, she's very holistic too. So we she'll get me on a certain supplement or whatever. She's the one that actually got me on TikTok. She's like, How are you not on TikTok? I was like, I don't know. She's the one that got me on it. And so now she's followed this couple who used to live in Italy, now they're here in the States, but they shared their IVF journey on TikTok. And now she's pregnant with their IBF uh miracle baby. So she's like very much she watches all my videos, and so it's like, you know, you never you never know who's like watching and supporting you, and someone who's so polar opposite, but I love her. And she also helps Lance a lot with you know his invoicing and billing and stuff at work. So it's like Lance and I'll be at sitting um on the couch at night eating dinner, and he's just like, I'd love a man. I'm like, I do too, you know. Like she's been so supportive in our journey, but you know, also a big person in our lives to help us get through the days.

SPEAKER_00 52:41

Yeah, it's so nice that you have someone at work too, because I know and is so all consuming, it's not just like your personal life, you're thinking about it 24-7 and fertility too. Like, so to have someone there who's also like cheering you on and got you to join TikTok, which you found another community there. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 52:58

I was, you know, all into Instagram Reels, and she's like, Why are you doing like why are you on Instagram Reels?

SPEAKER_00 53:03

She sounds amazing. I was gonna say, so I know before you mentioned that you have started to like cut some people out of your life. Are there any other boundaries that you've put in to your life with the relationships that you have existing to kind of like protect your peace while you're navigating everything?

SPEAKER_02 53:22

I'm no longer doing baby showers. I, you know, of course, we'll do a gift, send it to them, but it's not worth, you know, the heartache. I think my last one that I went to was in July of last year, and that was very best friend who actually the wedding that we went down south when all my 2023 stuff happened, that was their wedding. You know, I cried on the way home. And then I re I was like, oh, it's just baby showers. Then I went to a one-year-old birthday party shortly after that, and I think that was worse than the baby shower because then Liance was working that Saturday, so it was just me there with like our entire friend group, there, the couples, and then their babies, and that like gutted me like a fish. I was just like, all right, yeah. So I don't do those anymore. And like hopefully, you know, if you're offended by it, then we're not that close. That's fine. We don't need to be friends, you know. The people who care for you and understand what you're going through, it won't matter to them.

SPEAKER_00 54:23

Like if they'll be there for you.

SPEAKER_02 54:24

I can show up in other ways, you know. I can take you out one-on-one, one-on-one, like to brunch or whatever to celebrate you. But plus, like at a shower like that, like do they really know like if you're there or not? Like, they're like you've got like five million other things going on. Like, my absence shouldn't really bother you. So I started doing that to protect my peace, and I start I started like kind of like slowly unfollowing like the mommy influencers and stuff, you that I still follow just because they don't post too much of their kids, and I'll re-follow them when you know it happens for me, but just kind of like that. That I just I don't need it like screamed in my face like all the time.

SPEAKER_00 55:01

So totally, and there's no right or wrong way to do things, like it's such an emotional journey. So do what you gotta do to kind of get through the day-to-day, and like you said, you can show up in different ways, but there's no right or wrong way to do it. So proud of you. The most important uh question that I wanted to ask you before we sign off is for anyone listening who is going through infertility and navigating an endo or just going through one or the other, what would your advice be to them at this moment in time?

SPEAKER_02 55:32

Honestly, stay strong. You know who you are, you know exactly what you're feeling. If a doctor is not listening to you, go to another doctor. You are your number one advocate. So don't stop until you are fine, you find answers. As someone who is also struggling with infertility, if you feel like your doctor is not listening to you, because my first fertility doctor that I went to that I did the IUIs at, uh, now I know he was 100% just taking our money. Do your research before you go to those appointments. Usually with stage four endometriosis, IUI is most likely not going to work. Um, now that I've done my research and found better fertility doctors, I've had a doctor recently tell me like the severity of your endometriosis, you're gonna need to do IVF. And it it sucks to hear because you want to obviously have the cheaper option and the easier option, but you're basically just flushing money down the toilet. So be an advocate for yourself, do your research. Even if you don't like the energy of a doctor, go to a new doctor. Unfortunately, we are the only people that truly have our backs. And you know, you can have an amazing doctor, but you need to be, you need to always put yourself first. And if anybody ever wants to reach out, DM me. I am a supporter and I if you even if you just want to vent, rant, whatever, I I'm all ears because I've trust me, I've had those days because it it's it's a journey and it's not an easy one. And some sometimes those boyfriends, husbands, they don't get they don't get it so at all, actually. I'm here if anybody needs and where can people find you? I'm uh on TikTok and Instagram, Hallsbauer, H O L L S B O W E R. You can follow me and I'll follow back because I like to support the endo girlies.

SPEAKER_00 57:33

Well, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing your journey. It's been quite the journey, so and I'm sure people will really appreciate hearing your story. So thank you.

SPEAKER_02 57:43

Thank you so much for having me. Us endo girlies have to stick together.

SPEAKER_00 57:47

So if you take anything from this episode, let it be this. You are not dramatic, you are not weak, and you are definitely not alone. Hot girls have endo. We talk about it, we support each other, and we are done suffering quietly. If you're looking for daily support, you can check out Deya in the show notes and use code Hot Girls10 for 10% off your order. And if this resonated, hit follow so you don't miss the next one because we are just getting started.